Eleven million live-in partners prefer not to marry. Here’s why they should reconsider.

A few summers ago, tennis stars Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf announced that their first child would be born. “This is a very exciting time for us, “ Agassi said. “We are so happy to be blessed with this gift.”

No one seemed to notice – or care – that the couple wasn’t married. Only a generation ago, this revelation would have raised eyebrows.

Yes, things have changed dramatically over the past few decades. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 1 million people were in “unmarried-partner households” in 1970. The number rose to 3.2 million in 1990. And in 2000, the figure soared to 11 million.

Now, half of all Americans ages 35 to 39 have lived with someone outside of marriage, according to researcher Larry Bumpass. Make no mistake: We are witnessing a major societal shift before our very eyes.

When an epidemic reaches this level of societal acceptance, many well-meaning people begin to ask, “Should we accept cohabitation as another social trend akin to fast food, cell phones, and casual Fridays?” You may be wondering whether all this hubbub about living together is much ado about nothing. As a psychologist who has worked with singles and married couples for 35 years, I think our alarm over this issue is much ado about a lot.

Who cohabits and why

Typically, people who cohabit fall into two categories. First, there are those who have little or no intention of getting married. They simply want to enjoy the benefits of living together – the availability of sex, combined financial resources, shared household responsibilities and so on. This arrangement allows for a “quick exit” if things turn sour. The second group are those who see living together as a trial marriage – a half-step toward the altar. These people say, “We’ll live together first and see how it goes.” They consider it prudent to take a test drive before signing on the dotted line.

Though I don’t want to oversimplify a complex issue, I believe there are three primary reasons why these couples forgo or delay marriage:

1. Marriage has lost a lot of its luster in our society. The truth is, many people have never seen a successful, thriving marriage, mainly because great marriages are becoming scarce. Several years ago, I conducted a survey in which I asked 500 individuals to tell me about the marriage they most admired. To my dismay, nearly half said they couldn’t recommend even one healthy exemplary marriage! With such a dearth of model marriages, it’s understandable why so many young people hesitate to take the plunge.

2. Beyond the lack of model marriages, millions of people have suffered significant pain from broken marriages. One research estimates that 70 percent of all Americans have been impacted by divorce – either their parents’ or their own. When a broken marriage devastates someone’s life, she or he may figure that getting married is just too risky.

3. The majority of singles have lost confidence in their ability to correctly judge a highly compatible and thus long-lasting match. Yet their needs for companionship, sexual satisfaction and economic sufficiency motivate them to search for a person with whom they can have at least a temporary partnership.

So why bother with marriage?

We can certainly argue against cohabiting from a biblical standpoint, because numerous Scriptures admonish us to avoid sexual immorality and to keep marriage sacred (Hebrew 13:4, 1 Corinthians 6:18, 1 Thessalonians 4:3). But let’s be realistic: Many couples who live together don’t care about biblical principles, and even faith-oriented people often ignore what the Bible says. This is why psychological and other social science research becomes so critical. They findings of this research overwhelmingly support marriage over cohabitation. 

Consider:

Marriage vows serve as glue that holds people together.

Numerous empirical studies destroy the myth that living together is good preparation for marriage, thus reducing the risk of divorce. In fact, one study involving 3,300 cases found that people who cohabited prior to marriage had a 46 percent higher marital failure rate than noncohabiters.

Think about it. The fundamental agreement upon which live-in relationships are based is conditional commitment. This attitude says, “I’ll stick with you as long as things go well. But if we run into problems, all bets are off.” Relationships that begin with a quasi-commitment carry the same mind-set into marriage. When things become trying, as inevitably they will from time to time, the spouses say goodbye.

As David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead wrote in their extensive review of recent literature, “Virtually all research on the subject has determined that the chances of divorce ending a marriage preceded by cohabitation are significantly greater than for a marriage not preceded by cohabitation.”

Marriage provided the most stability for children.

Few live-in couples intend to have children, but it often happens. More than a quarter of unmarried mothers are cohabiting at the time of their children’s birth. Further, two-thirds of children who end up in stepfamilies have parents who are cohabiting rather than married. This means that each year thousands of children are born or moved into families where Mom and Dad’s commitment to each other is tenuous or, at least, informal. These children, during their most vulnerable developmental stages, are deprived of the security that comes from knowing their parents have pledged themselves to each other for a lifetime. To make matters worse, 75 percent of all children born to cohabiting parents will experience their parents’ separation before they reach age 16. Only about one-third of children born to married parents face a similar fate.

Marriage offers promised permanence.

Most wedding vows still include the promise to “love, honor, and cherish in sickness and in health, in plenty or in want, until death do us part.” One reason this is so important: The best relationships require partners who are genuine and authentic – who can be their real selves. The promised permanence of marriage allows just that: “I’ll stick with you even when I come to know the real you, with all your imperfections and shortcomings.” But how can two individuals be authentic and genuine if they think their partner may bolt at the first sign of trouble? With the conditional commitment of live-in relationships, partners are left wondering, "If I’m not who my partner wants me to be – if he sees my faults – will he pack his bags and leave?"

Marriage creates healthier individuals.

Scores of studies have shown that married people are better off emotionally, physically, financially, and vocationally than unmarried partners. For example, annual rates of depression among cohabiting couples are more than three times what they are among married couples. And women in cohabiting relationships are significantly more likely than married women to suffer physical and sexual abuse.

Marriage partners are more likely to be faithful.

Four times as much infidelity is reported among cohabiting men than among married men. Moreover, one married woman in a hundred reports having had an affair in the past year, compared to 8 percent of cohabiting women.

Amid the alarming statistics about cohabiting, we can confidently tell singles that a “trial marriage” is unnecessary. In addition to the research showing the detriments of living together, several studies have discovered – with 80 percent to 94 percent accuracy – the variables that predict which marriages will thrive and which will not. This means unmarried couples can know in advance if they have a better-than-average chance of succeeding in marriage. With this available information, hopefully the cohabitation trend will begin to cycle downward.  (See article: Selection of a Marriage Partner - 29 Critical Matching Variables, by Neil Clark Warren.)

Dr. Neil Clark warren is a psychologist and popular speaker based in Pasadena, Calif. His best-selling books include Finding the Love of Your Life and How to Know if Someone is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less.